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‘One may just jeer off, Mishanya, at the things you did in three years!’

Just Kirillov’s House!

At first, Misha, I thought that BBC (a TV-channel, not Air Forces1  as you must have reacted to this abbreviation by force of habit acquired in the last days) showed snapshots from Kirillov’s House. For you, Misha, as an ex-Kyivan this name should be familiar, but for everyone else I will give a cue that the mentioned House    in common parlance is called a ‘nuthouse’. So, I thought that one more client had taken your appearance and was chewing a tie, - as not everyone in the clinic should be napoleons or hitlers.

Then I looked closer – no, it was you, Misha, real, with all attributes of the state power. And then I thought that there had to be a good reason for you to chew a tie. May be you were looking for a capsule with potassium cyanide sewed in there. I was compelled to think so by rumors that you wanted to shot yourself, but a guard knocked the gun out of your hands.

Misha, the Americans have appointed you to be the head of Georgia without having any purpose for you to shoot or poison yourself! So by knocking a fire arm out of your hands, and by taking the deadly, but salvational for you capsule out of your tie, your right fan boss has perfectly completed his task. By the way, your left fan boss has also been successful in his task. But let’s speak about him later. For now I would like to apologize for my unceremonious ‘Misha’.

You know, Misha, here IN UKRAINE for some reason we have a habit to modify personal names in our own way. However, not all of them. For example, we call the leaders of our north-eastern neighbor Dmytro and Volodymyr, respectively. At the same time, we try not to rename western leaders: George, Condoleezza, Lech are left the same in Ukraine. But you, Misha, are called Mikhaiylo, and Mikho, and Stsykashvili (taking into account your knowledge of the Ukrainian language, I think, you will be able to translate your last name), but some local wits even substitute two first ‘a’-letters in your last name for one ‘u’2 . And it turns to become a swearword. That is why, Misha, I am going to call you with an inoffensive Russian (the language which you so much hate) name! Along with all of your other friends. For example, George will be Zhora. He is not worth to be called Georgiy. The long name Condoleezza I will substitute for Liza, because for our Slavonic people its first part ‘Condo’ is associated with a word ‘condom’, and you, Misha, has to know that our expression ‘darned condoleezza’ is used to express the highest scorn towards an opponent. And our closest western neighbor I will call in Russian Lyocha (because in Ukrainian Lyocha sounds as a swearword!). And now, Misha, I will explain why I decided to address you.

Successor of the work. Stalin’s?

Your situation, Misha, anticipated our, Ukrainian situation. According to the statement of one of the classics, ‘Guys, I should have been in his place!’3 . That is, Ukraine could have been in the Georgia’s place. And our Motherland was saved by the fact that, in spite of all attempts of your fellow Vitya4  to put brotherly and related nations at odds with each other, Zhora and Liza realized that for now there won’t be any stir in Ukraine!

Misha, to make history, you should know it well. But that’s not your case! It appears there was a reason for you to be kicked out from AULYCL5  (I do hope you still remember what this abbreviation means) and from Kyiv State University! You grabbed a historic phrase that you need a ‘splendid little war’. But as a drop-out you could not have known how this initiative had ended up for the empire. Of course, now you are going to object me that I have two American universities under my belt. Misha, if you don’t know history, you should at least listen to modern philosophers. Your namesake, Zadornov, publicly announced that ‘Americans are stupid!’ And you didn’t believe. It’s so hard to evade Zhora’s and Liza’s reassurances, if your own family assures that you’re a genius! Misha, your flawless Dutch significant other publicly declared you to be the successor of Stalin’s and Beriya’s work!

Misha, let’s make it clear. Firstly, Stalin was of Ossetian origin! You could have explained that to your wife, the daughter of a banker. Or maybe you were together reading Lenin’s works, where Lenin announced Stalin to be a Georgian! But he, being in Switzerland, didn’t care much! Unlike Joseph Dzhugashvili, Lenin was hanging around western coffee houses and asking money for the Russian revolution.

Secondly, Misha, how could you possibly be a match to Stalin, if even Putin outwitted you. And he did so naturally. Misha, do you know who was Putin? He was and is an intelligence officer for his country. And intelligence officers are considered heroes in any county of the world.

You, Misha, has been trained in America and sent to Georgia as a spy and     double agent. So you will be known in the historical records as such.

Let’s continue. Putin has Leningrad University under his belt. And you were shamefully kicked out from Kyiv University. Of course, you will say that you finally graduated … in 1992. But we all know that it’s already a different age, Misha, and the fees for education and diploma are also different! And now, Misha, I will tell you how all this actually happened.

Alibi for Zhora and Vova

Firstly, you were armed to the teeth. Every country was selling you weapons: Ukraine, Romania and, of course, the USA. You were sitting close by Russia and as a possible enemy, occasionally showed it your teeth. Zhorzh and Liza petted you as a loyal chain dog. But, Misha, because of your feeble-mindedness, you again were not aware of the fact that the leaders of superpowers would always settle everything among themselves. And so it happened!

Look how perfectly you were cheated!

It was the opening of the Olympic Games in Beijing. Zhora and Vladimir were on the opening ceremony, meeting, discussing the world order. But this is for mass media. They are making an alibi for themselves. In the current situation Zhora Bush needs a ‘little war’ in the first place. His party fellow McCain is significantly losing to democrat Obama, who is also a Spade. To allow such outcome is like a true death for ‘democratic’ America. But why should Americans die, when there are you, Misha, and other nations, in this case Russians, Georgians and Ossetians. To boost McCain’s rating, it is necessary to show the whole world that Russia is an aggressive state and civilized countries should not deal with it.

Zhorzh and Volodya came to a mutual consent. It’s like in an ordinary life: two old gangsters make an agreement concerning the achievement of mutual goal and set a ‘boot-licker’ up. You, Misha, have been used as the one. The American Zhora told you to go in for an armed raid and promised to cover you. You, Misha, maybe even didn’t want to be a raider, but you had no way out. And somewhere in your soul there was a glimmering hope for a ‘little, but splendid war’. But it glimmered in vain! Because the goombas have already decided everything for you. And everything went on like clockwork.

In the evening you say that you’re ready for negotiations with South Ossetia and suddenly you start a war. But look, Misha, how promptly Russian troops reacted! Indeed, they never had such operational flexibility before! And the 58th army quickly came to protect a peacekeeping force! And the ships of the Black Sea Fleet immediately started to wreck Georgian ships as if they were just waiting for an ‘Attack!’ command!

Misha, your untrained lads-reservists immediately fled to Tbilisi. By the way, here I advise you to add your fellow Viktor’s experience to your armoury. He has already made heroes of the untrained students, who at their time were thrown against the regular Red Army troops hardened in battles and, naturally, perished. Now he calls them ‘the Heroes of Kruty’. So, if you won’t start chewing the collar of your jacket, you can call your reservists ‘the Heroes of Tskhinval’.

But what is the most important, Misha, the Investigation Committee of the Russian Prosecutor-General’s Office immediately started to nominate you as a participant in a competition for the position of a person under investigation at the Hague International Tribunal! This is the first evidence that Zhora and Volodya have agreed on your future destiny!

The second evidence is Russian secret services. According to one analyst, many of the current officials of these services got ready to receive national honors for your involvement in the war. In this way, Misha, you have been outwitted on all counts!

Political funeral

And again how upsetting it is that you, Misha, don’t know the history. Even the most recent. You have forgotten what happened to Karadžić. And I will remind you. In his time he was offered a deal by your American friends, they even signed a kind of agreement: like, you, Karadžić, should leave the big-time politics and instead we guarantee you safety and peace of mind. And they guaranteed in the course of thirty years. Until Zhorzh and Liza decided to call back the word of the American ex-ambassador. And they delivered Karadžić to the Hague International Tribunal!

Misha, does it ring a bell to you?

And, Misha, how nicely they are getting you ready for the tribunal! It’s just a feast for the eyes!

You are shown fleeing under TV cameras on hearing the sounds of combat planes of unknown Air Forces! Misha, when you were going to the frontline, may be you were thinking there would be like at your fellow’s near Kyiv, in Bezradychi, only bees are buzzing fearsomely? Then why did you put on an armor vest? I think, Misha, that it’s your left fan boss’s credit that your terrified frontispiece was seen worldwide. I am sure he organized this circus with your body covered with     armored shields for a decent reward! And, as a result, the entire world saw your ‘heroism’!

By the way, Misha, you are not alone to have a brilliant ability to piss in the pants at the most unsuitable for PR moment. Once our Vitya6 , not your fellow, but his rival in the presidential race, lost consciousness because of a chicken egg, which hit him in the chest! He was in such a swoon that he had to be taken to the reanimation! In one word – warriors!

However, Misha, even your fellow Vitya has sent you a speaking signal! Haven’t you thought, why he with the ‘leaders of other countries’ came to Tbilisi at that moment, when the military actions had ceased? Maybe that’s because the buzzing of his beloved bees is more pleasant for him than all artillery and other cannonry? Surely, he didn’t come to lift up the hand of his neighbor, standing on a tribune in Tbilisi. And he also didn’t come to announce that Ukraine ‘is not friendly to Russia any more’. He could simply have shouted that from Kyiv.

By the way we do not take offence at him. And here are the reasons why. Your fellow Vitya suddenly announces himself a messiah, stating, that we all belong to a new historical community, which he calls ‘my people, my nation’.

Look what a Nazi appeared! During his rule the profession of a beekeeper and the very word ‘beekeeper’ became nominal!

And he came, Misha, to your political funeral. Together with Lyokha Kaczyński. The later immediately decide to speak bluntly and called everyone to war with Russia.

Misha, he even didn’t put on an armor vest and didn’t go to the frontline! How good it is, while being protected by armed coverage, to sic a nation against a nation! If only he has taken at least a sub-machine gun and showed how the things should be done.

Misha, you are just like a boy! Have you even checked if it actually was Lyokha or his twin-brother Yaroslaw? You know, twins usually play others up. What if tomorrow Lyokha says that not he, but his brother urged to destroy Russia? What will be then?

Truth to be told, in this case you can be saved by the fact that Lyokha (or Yaroslaw?) was announced to be scatty by the Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs. It’s like this statement Lyokha made unofficially, such tricks are not uncommon for him. Then, Misha, if the statement is unofficial, why the hell did Lyokha come to visit you? In what capacity did he come?

Well, some surroundings you have, Misha! Nazis, scatty persons… It’s interesting to know if they are going to fight with deadly force when you, like Karadžić, are taken to Hague.

But, the situation being so tragic for you, there is one positive point in it for Ukraine. I hope your fellow Vitya realizes on your example who is who your American patrons. Or else he is ready to send our lads to Afghanistan. As a payment for Ukraine’s entry to NATO. It also turned out that he studied badly, because he doesn’t know how all wars in Afghanistan end for the outsiders!

Misha, the only consolation for you will, probably, be the fact that you won’t be let die before your time. From now on you’re like a hostage. And do not gnaw your tie in vain; the right and left fan bosses are carefully watching you!

O tempora, o mores!

P.S. Misha, I’ll add a little more about your American friends’ generosity.

Your fellow Vitya must have told you that there was a flood IN UKRAINE. Several dozen people died, houses and utilities were ruined. Your fellow Vitya, on a noble impulse, even named this disaster the ‘second Chernobyl’.

So, the US government gave Ukraine 50 thousand dollars as an aid to overcome the flood consequences. Truly American aid!

Misha, is it possible, taking into account the current     high prices, to build at least half a house with this money? The question is rhetorical!

At the same time your ex-colleague, Lyonya Kuchma, was celebrating his birthday. Do you know how much money he spent on his jubilee?

10 million dollars! His son-in-law Vitya pealed a few off the stash.

Moreover, 5 million was paid to that fag Elton John (it’s disgusting even to translate his name!) for his songs. Other 5 million he spent on other fa…, that is pop-stars and chop!

Do you know what was surprising about Lyonya? He publicly asked not to give him presents! And 5 ‘large ones’ for the fag do not count!

In his time he, Lyonya Kuchma, was also deposed from presidency by the Americans. Sasha Kwaśniewski who at that time was the president of Poland came and said something along the lines of ‘Lyonya, either you surrender the power to Vitya (your fellow, Misha), or you, with your billions deposited in foreign banks, follow Milošević to the Hague Tribunal’.

Fair enough, Lyonya immediately handed the power over to the address specified. Milošević suddenly died in prison, and Lyonya is now leisurely listening to the fag’s singing!

Indeed, a feast in time of plague. And you know, Misha, no one of the so-called Ukrainian elite was even disturbed by all of this!


 1 Air Forces – in Russian these are usually abbreviated BBC (i.e. Military Air Forces) which resembles the name of BBC Channel in English.
 2 Modifications of the last name of the Georgian president M. Saakashvili. The first variant has a connotation ‘sissy’, the second involves an informal bad language word meaning ‘bitch’.
  3 A phrase from a famous 1968 Soviet comedy film The Diamond Arm, pronounced by the main character Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov, played by Yuri Nikulin.
 4 Vitya – the author means the ex-president of Ukraine Viktor Yuschenko.
  5 All-Union Leninist Young Communist League was the youth division of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.
  6 Vitya – here the author means the present Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovish.

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